From: Lau Pei Rong (scilpr@nus.edu.sg)
NUS Science Dean's Office
Sent: 20 July 2007 03: 46AM
Subject: Application for 2nd major in Management
We are pleased to inform that your application for the 2nd major in Management offered by the School of Business is successful.
To help you start off your second major in Management in Semester 1 AY0708, School of Business would like to assign one module (out of the list of four as enclosed) to you. As such, please indicate to us your preference of module by putting a number ranking (‘1’ being the most preferred and ‘4’ being the least preferred) beside the list of modules offered in the enclosed file. Please also indicate your preference of lecture group by ranking them accordingly for each module.
The timetable for these modules is also provided in the attached for your reference. If you require more information on modules offered in the coming Semester 1 of AY0708 to plan your timetable, you may refer to the ‘Modules Information’ available at the Centralised Online Registration website: http://www.cors.nus.edu.sg/.
We would appreciate your reply on your modules preference for this 2nd major latest by 24th July 2007, 12 pm to Ms Yuslinda at sciyy@nus.edu.sg.
Thank you.
Best Regards,
Pei Rong
Administrative Officer
Undergraduate Programmes
NUS Science Dean's Office
DID: 6516 8849
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
According to the principles of writing a business correspondence, this letter has fulfilled almost all of the requirements namely,the date, the subject line, complimentary close, the sender's name and designation. However, the salution is absent. The sender should have addressed me personally at the start of the letter.
Other than that, the opening was courteous and polite and the tone used was formal and informative. Overall, there were no spelling errors, grammer mistakes and incorrect punctuation in this letter.
All that was mentioned in the letter was clear and concise. I was fully aware and clear of what I had to do. It was also good that they included extra information to aid in my module information search that was required before I could perform the ranking of the business modules offered.
The letter was also written in a cohesive and coherent manner in terms of sentence structure and organization of paragraphs. However, I feel that the letter would have been more complete if it also included the date which they would inform me of my allocated business module so as to facilitate the planning of my other modules.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hi Cass,
ReplyDeleteThat was a comprehensive critique. I agree that overall, the email was well written and an appropriate format was used. The courteous opening was good in starting an email and was also appropriate since the email was conveying good news. The structure of the message was similar to the guidelines stated in page 75 of the course textbook, which are beginning with the good news, stating the details that support the news, as well as closing with a statement of goodwill. I felt that most if the relevant information was stated concretely, such as instructions on ranking of the preferred module. I agree that the email was clear and clarity was also enhanced by the sequential presentation of instructions. The email was short yet informative, thus making it concise. Also, the active-sentences were useful in emphasizing the subject and keeping the reader engaged in the message. It was a good point that the message would have been more complete if there was information provided on when the module would be allocated. Also, the sender could have provided a website which lists the essential modules which have to be read to fulfill the major requirements so as to assist decision in choosing the module. It is true that there was coherence in the message as the instructions could be understood with ease. Lastly, the language was correct, adopting formal English to maintain professionalism.
Overall, this was a good representation of how an email from a university administrator should be written.
Cheers,
Bryan
Hi Cass,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the short and sweet critique.
In general, I agree with your comments. Indeed the email should have addressed you personally, and by not doing so, lacked sincerity. However, the writer was cordial and courteous which is a plus point.
In addition, I also agree that the letter was clear and the main ideas were developed coherently. Thus, it is easy to read and there's no ambiguity.
In short, it's a good representation of a formal letter with all the necessary details.
Regards,
Mario
Hi Cass,
ReplyDeleteA concise and succint analysis of the email reply from Pei Rong, just as how compendious the email was in adressing your concerns of a 2nd major(WOW!).
Like you have pointed out, the failure to adress you at the beginning was a salient error for a formal correspondence. Otherwise, like Bryan, Mario and yourself have pointed out hitherto, her reply was encompassing in terms of the format, layout and adressing the 7C's of writing.
Her congratulatory letter started off the email on a polite and positive note, as how a good news correspondence should be.
Her replies also made you the focus of the reply through the use of 1st person singulars like "you", "your", etc.
An excellent benchmark of a concise and courteous correspondence.
Regards,
Desmond
Hi Cassandra,
ReplyDeleteThis courteously written letter indeed managed to convey the intended message in a concise manner. A good way tackled to break the good news i must. The letter was clear as the language used was easily understood. However,i agree with you that the writer could have addressed the reader at the opening to provide completeness to the letter.
Thanks for sharing a good sample of business letter which has tackled the 7Cs to its maximal ability.:)
Cheers,
Jay
Hi Cassandra,
ReplyDeleteNicely written! Your critique certainly covered almost all aspects about the letter.
What I really liked about both the letter and your critique is the paragraphing style. The main points are seperated into paragraghs, hence it makes it very easy for readers to speed read and still catch the geist of the contents accurately.
Keep up the good work!
Regards,
Nicholas