Just recently, a close friend of mine, Christine, complained to me about how she had a heated argument with her mother. It started out as a small issue that got blown out of proportion.
Everyone was gathered at the kitchen table having dinner when suddenly Christine realised that her grandmother was sitting alone at the dining table outside having her own dinner.
Christine then confronted her mother, “Mum, why is grandma eating dinner alone outside? Why didn’t you ask her to join us?”
Her mother replied, ”There’s no space at the kitchen table already. So I just let her eat outside by herself lah!”
Christine retorted,” You already know that I rarely come home and eat dinner with grandma! All the more you shouldn’t leave her alone outside for dinner!”
Her mother shouted,” I already told you that there’s no space here! And this is one of the very few times I let her sit outside alone for dinner! Why are you making such a fuss?!”
Christine exclaimed in disbelief,” What you did was wrong! How would you feel when you grow old, we also leave you alone for dinner all by yourself?”
Her mother said furiously,” I don’t need you to take care of me when I’m old. I will move to the old folk’s home.”
Christine replied curtly,” Fine. That’s great.”
And the cold war between them begun.
In my opinion, this issue aroused from serious misunderstandings and heated emotions that overtook their rationalities such that neither any of them were willing to listen to each other’s explanations.
What can be done to salvage the situation?
Signing out
Cassandra
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ReplyDeleteCass! The distinct paragraph breakups as well as accurate punctuation made this post a pleasure to read and understand! You even included your own opinion in the penultimate paragraph, which i couldn't agree more with.
ReplyDeleteSeemed like a typical domestic quarrel that avalanched due to built-up stress; the culprit being our fast-paced life that made everyone so angsty at the end of the day that any little provocation can trigger off the pent-up pressure to break loose.
It must have been a simple slip of mind by Christine's mother to allow granny to eat alone by herself, misinterpreted by Christine as a form of neglect. Finger-pointing is hard to avoid in this case as Christine shouldn't have confronted her mother; I took confrontation literally in the context and imagined Christine storming up to her mother. If you had spent the entire day cooking but instead of some form of appreciation, the first reaction you got was being reprimanded by your daughter, how would you have reacted? I believe Christine should have practised some sensitivity towards her own mother before blowing her top.
I presume everyone would agree that Christine was making a mountain out of a molehill in this episode; it didn’t help that she jumped at the issue and on top of that, said some very insensitive words. Magnanimousness aside, a simple "Mum, I'm sorry for flaring up at you the other day" would show how great a mother's love is.
It is indeed hard to keep one’s temperament in check when we are tired; the discipline to keep our rising adrenaline in check and be aware of the repercussions our outburst may bring about will ensure loved ones do not get hurt by unintended yet unkind remarks.
What a scary situation. However, in this case, I feel that your friend was in the wrong. I do not mean that what she said was wrong, but how she said it. Parents are to be respected and treated well. How could your friend say such things, about how her mother treated her grandma, when she too treats her mother in such a disrespectful way?
ReplyDeleteEven if the parent was at fault, there are definitely other ways in going about it. Hence, I feel that she should be the one to make the first move and apologize to her mother.
However, could this type of thoughts be due to the fact that we come from an Asian society? I have friends that are much more westernize, and they feel that it is not such a big deal. Parents and children are both humans and are on equal footing in their culture.
That was just an after thought, but I personally feel a child should never be rude to their parents. No matter what the situation is, there are other ways than telling you parents off in such a manner.
Hi Cass,
ReplyDeleteHaving a cold war within the family can only cause more harm to the current situation because strained relationships are definitely detrimental to family cohesion and communication.
Perhaps Christine could start a conversation on neutral issues with her mother. For instance, sharing about her day at school. After she and her mother have resumed normal relations, she could broach the subject of dispute again in a respectful manner. Acting on bad temperaments will only induce rash comments which one might regret later. Christine's mother might have naturally reacted defensively if she had felt that she was insulted. Thus, it would be good if Christine brought up the matter in a more sensitive way. Doing so under calm conditions is a sure way to get a reasonable discussion with regards to her displeasures going on.
Alternatively, her mother might have been truthful that there was not enough seats at the kitchen table. In the event that the same situation of a lack of seats at the kitchen table arises, Christine could volunteer to join her grandmother for dinner at the dining table. Also, if the dining table was large enough for the entire family to dine at, Christine could suggest that the whole family dines at the dining table together in the future.
Thus, through such measures, the conflict would not only be solved, but stronger family ties can be fostered.
Hi Cass,
ReplyDeleteThis is interesting yet heart wrenching scenario you've described! After all, I believe family ties are the most important and a cold war between two family members would mean that they are spending less valuable time with each other.
In response to the situation, I feel that both parties are at fault. But a little more understanding on each end would greatly improve the situation.
Life Desmond mentioned, Christine's mother might be all tired over the cooking and she might have felt unappreciated. So Christine should have been more sensitive about that. Instead of reprimanding her straighaway, she should have used a gentler tone to ask her mother why her grandmother was sitting at the dining table alone.
On the other hand, Christine's mother was wrong to let her sit alone. She could have her reasons for doing so, but a better solution would be for equal number of people to sit at the kitchen table as well as the dining table.
To salvage the situation, I think that Christine has to make the first move, because she was the one who started the confrontation. She does not have to apologise immediately, but should instead ask her mother to sit down for a talk. She should then explain her thoughts on the situation in a cordial manner, then allow her mother to explain her side of the story. The could after all be a misunderstanding and by listening to each other's side of the story, they would be able to pinpoint what went wrong and go about solving it in a cordial manner.
Regards,
Shu Ting
Hi Cass,
ReplyDeleteThis interpersonal conflict is very interesting as it is something familiar to all of us. I guess we would have encountered this kind of situation when we have conflicting views from our parents. In fact, both parties had good intentions where Christine cared more about the feelings of her grandmother while Christine’s mother might be thinking of the comfort of others present.
In my opinion, Christine should recognize she was in the wrong to some extent and take the first move to apologize to her mother for her harsh words in the heat of anger. It would have helped if Christine can show some concern for her mother by asking if she was tired doing all the chores or even helped her wash the dishes. Actions speak louder than words! In this way, her mother would be convinced that she had realized her mistake. When her mother relented after her efforts in trying to please her, Christine can explain her concerns about her grandmother’s feelings and possibly discuss about how to make more space in the kitchen. By now, her mother’s anger would have subsided and they can have a good talk over how to care better for her grandmother.
It is great that Christine manage to empathize with her grandmother, but she could have done better by putting herself in her mother’s shoes too. People express their love and concerns in different ways. Perhaps, Christine’s mother would like her mother to have dinner in a more spacious place to enjoy her meal. Seems like we have to put ourselves in different people’s shoes to communicate better. =)
Jie Li
Hi Cass,
ReplyDeleteAs a typical Singaporean may put it, "Wah, so drama!"
I feel that Christine was very quick to jump into conclusions and it sounded like she was very disrespectful. By saying why her mum did not ask grandma in presupposes that her mum did not ask nor try to accommodate grandma. This would seem like an accusation and that was why Christine's mum was agitated. Besides, her mum might be tired as well.
To salvage the situation, Christine should reconcile with her mum by apologizing first. Following that, she should share with her mum her feelings as well as allowing her mum to explain herself. Perhaps some concessions have to be made to accommodate her grandma at the dinner table or even helping her mum at dinner but at least there is mutual understanding from both parties. This in turn would even foster closer family ties.
On a side note, good narrative Cass! Keep it up!
Cheers,
Mario
Hi Cassandra!
ReplyDeleteYour post is really very well-done. It is structured and paragraphed in such a way that it is reader-friendly as we can fully understand the whole scenario without any confusion.
Firstly, I feel that it is the way they communicated that blew the whole thing out of proportion. And the tone that even my family members use with one another will only results in further frustration and anger. Usually, misinterpretation follows after that.
In this case, maybe Christine should have asked her mother whether her grandma volunteered to go outside to eat dinner or her grandma was the last person to have her dinner that was why Christine’s mum asked grandma to have her dinner outside and not because her mum singledly chose grandma. There could be other external factors to why her grandma was having dinner outside and Christine should not have confronted her mother without any knowledge of how the whole situation actually was. Christine’s mother had already said that it was one of the few times that grandma was having dinner outside alone, it goes to show that she did not purposely discriminate grandma to have dinner alone. And lastly, I do not think Christine should have asked her mother the last question regarding how she would feel if she left her to eat alone. Asians are very conservative and most of the time, we do not tell the truth as our “face” matters a lot to us. Her mother is not going to say, “Yes. I’ll be very sad if you leave me to eat alone outside when I am old. Please don’t do this to me,” It is very unlikely. Further more, such questions asked will only deepen the misunderstanding and will cause further sadness and distress to Christine’s mother.
Instead of confronting her mother, Christine should have thought of other solutions. For example, she could have volunteered to eat outside with grandma since she rarely comes home. Or rather, they could have gotten a bigger table so everyone could sit around it. In my house for instance, during Chinese New Year where there is a lot of family members around, the younger generation would volunteer to have dinner outside.
On the other hand, Christine’s mother should have been more explanatory in her answer and the tone was not necessary. She should have let her daughter know the exact situation or explain it in a nicer way. I am sure since Christine values and care for her grandma very much, I see no reason why her mother would not do the same way to grandma too. Hopefully the cold war would be resolved soon. =)
Regards,
Ah. I have missed out the last part. Well, I personally find it hard for Christine to apologise to her mother verbally as again, Asian families rarely speak about love and apologies to one another (It is so in my case, not sure about the rest of the families. =) ) Well, Christine must try to break the ice because this IS her mum. This kind of cold war cannot go on any longer as this only further damages the relationship. She can try to break the ice by asking her mother questions, like what time will you coming home? And try to make up by helping out her mum with chores or doing something nice for her mum such as buying her favorite food or even dating her mum to go shopping together. There are many ways to show apologies and love to her mum through actions as well if it is hard to communicate her apologies to her mum.
ReplyDeleteRegards,
Huiwen =)